Privatization is back on the Government agenda like the 1980’s never went out of fashion. Today, much like then, it has far more to do with ideology than any desire to fix obvious problems in the system. Lest we forget that it was the 1980’s that gave birth to the Quangoucracy of taxpayer enriched millionaire chums of power brokers that we now have.
Dear Mr Cameron,
Now that the Police are finally to be run the proper way, by a private company with a history of ineptitude in pursuit of profit, can we not seriously consider privatizing the Church of England? It has great brand recognition (even if customer numbers are a touch low these days) and the opportunity for realizing assets from the Churches armory of worthless, draughty buildings is one I am sure the City would leap at quicker than a kangaroo with foot rot. Otherwise, perhaps you could hang around pubs near Hereford and denounce troublesome priests. It worked once before.
With carpet bag in hand,
Henry.
Horsegate. It had to be suffixed with ”Gate” didn’t it? I’m not sure when this Groundhog Day style news loop first got more stale than Greek democracy but I suspect it was close to 40 years ago, just after the Watergate break in actually happened. How long before another food scare brings about ”Farm-Gate”? Horticulture failure? ”Garden-Gate”, and on the nonsense goes. What this horse/ornate garden furniture combination does do though is distract the minds of readers to the almost hand in glove relationship between high level members of News International, high level members of the Metropolitan Police and high level members of Government, regardless of party. Focus for too long on that and people might start seeing serious criminality in the countries highest offices. And that would never do. The device that can block speech is apparently real. No idea how effective it is but details are here; http://www.extremetech.com/computing/120583-new-speech-jamming-gun-hints-at-dystopian-big-brother-future
Dear Mr Cameron,
I really can’t understand the fuss that your quick ride on Rebekah’s old nag has caused. It’s not like you ate it, which you may well have done. If you were in France, as I was, when I ate a horse. Purely by chance, as it happened. It is ridiculous to even suggest that you thought of eating a horse, let alone that you may have literally chomped down some chevaux. I recommend you ignore the criticism that corporate corruption and government are becoming interchangeable terms and instead focus on the new security device that can drown out free speech. That could come in handy in Cabinet I’ll bet. Try pointing it at Cable.
With horses for Kingdoms,
Henry.
Social Darwinism is nothing more than the espousing of idiocy and has nothing to do with Darwin. It has spawned any number of genocides under a variety of political colours including Hitler, Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot and many others. It seems, as an argument, strangely attractive to societies at times and all it takes is a certainty that you are better than ”them”. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2108341/Is-reason-democracy-work-Study-humans-dumb-pick-right-person-lead-us.html I love the writing under the picture of Hitler; ”Not a democrat.” That’s certainly true.
Dear Mr Cameron,
Now that the Mail has finally proven the obvious, namely that people are simply too stupid to know what’s good for them, isn’t it about time we removed the vote from the educationally flawed? A tiny brain should mean a tiny vote, if any at all. It makes sense. Professor Hawking and John Redmond could have the votes of Colchester and Etherington Stanley combined and still be smarter than a pickled egg. I am sure that your IQ, like mine, is sizeable enough to know how to vote Tory. With my IQ I could, perhaps, take a few decisions for the cabinet? They don’t all look the full dime Dave. 143. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not boasting but, clearly, I know who to vote for.
With rollicking quantitative ease,
Henry.
The internet has been down for days here, with some strange afflictions. Lately Tumblr has been unavailable except through a proxy. Paranoia? Problems? Or just a crappy ISP? I don’t know, and Dave has better things to worry about. Today though I thought it my duty to remind him that the PM-ship isn’t all police horses in the Cotswalds.
Dear Mr Cameron,
I must express my deepest concern at the number of people currently deported to America on the merest gibbering neocon whim. Surely kidnapping, or extraordinary rendition if we must be politically correct about these things, is much cheaper and avoids all the attendant publicity that these cases can generate? Failing that, could we not just use drones? I would gladly donate my remote control helicopter to the cause, the batteries are almost full. I would suggest the deputy PM should be a prime target. Democracy is the will of might after all.
With bristling Olympic patriotism,
Henry.
I’ve had many people tell me that members of the current Government can’t understand ordinary problems, like struggling to pay bills and eating that stuff they pretend is food at Tesco, because they have never had to do it. This, I think, would leave them at a serious disadvantage on the world stage. George/Gideon Osbourne, born a millionaire and never once perturbed by need, would hardly have had to fend of a debt collector at his front door or negotiate with the soulless credit departments of the utilities companies. How can he possibly negotiate with a bank over the national debt when he has no idea that debt isn’t that shade of beige they paint asylums in? The poor man must be lost in a sea of confusion every time the national credit card bill hits the mat at Number 11. Although, I do wonder, who are we borrowing all this money from? Seriously, who are we getting it from? I thought there was none left…
Dear Mr Cameron,
I’m worried about the Chancellor. Every time he attends a bail out meeting or the G8 he comes back looking more like Jabba the Hutt on a diet, waxy and greyish green. This can’t be good for his health. Now that the almost communist NHS is to be properly closed down we clearly can’t rely on subversive doctors to pump him full of the chemical powders he’s so used to but finance negotiations are obviously too much for him. I am volunteering, in the spirit of the Big Society, to take over the negotiations for the country. If you could forward me the details of the country’s creditors then I shall ring them up (I have some free minutes spare on my contract) and arrange a suitable repayment scheme, much like I did with the outstanding debt on my 47 credit cards. We simply cannot allow ourselves to become solvent on the backs of international finance and the wealth generators. Without these people there would have been no British industry in the last 30 years and Iceland would have all the cod. How would the fish trickle down then?
With sympathetic mewlings
Henry.
The Middle East has been a place of violent obfuscation, grinning despots, friendly deception and outright lies for as long as I can remember. This article by Robert Fisk (http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/fisk/robert-fisk-weve-been-here-before—and-it-suits-israel-that-we-never-forget-nuclear-iran-6294111.html) sums up the current Iran situation perfectly. I suspect Mr Cameron wouldn’t agree. Of course, I have sent Dave my full support on this issue as well.
Dear Mr Cameron,
Now that our military no longer contains so many of those frivolous troops, ships or aircraft and the defense budget is being more properly spent on the SAS ring of steel protecting a small yellow helicopter in the South Atlantic (I like to call it Hubert), perhaps we can now concentrate on the outrageous nuclear ambitions of Iran? To wish to develop nuclear power in an oil rich country is silly. Now that we are no longer buying their oil, so sensible in a time of recession and energy crisis, is it not about time we bombed them back to the stone age? It is a policy that has worked so well in our other wars. Just because Iran has followed all the rules and bowed to our demands, it doesn’t mean they should be let off the hook. It could only be worse if they had acquired an arsenal of undeclared nuclear weapons and refused to co-operate with international laws. That really would be worrying, but of course no one in the Middle East has done that.
Waving the flag for our remaining troop,
Henry.
Alcoholism is a serious condition and not to be taken lightly. Ask any doctor, they know. Government alcohol policy however purports to be about the problems of alcoholism but so often it’s an area where hypocrisy and cheap motives come into play. From Hogarth to Dave, the drunks in charge so love to kick the drunks below. In 2008-2009 the House of Commons subsidized the bars and restaurants in Westminster to the tune of over £6 million. (http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/taxpayer_subsidy_on_parliamentar) David Cameron, George/Gideon Osbourne and the mayor of London Boris Johnson were all members of the infamous Oxford boozing crew The Bullingdon Club (see sidebar). For those that don’t know, the Bullingdon is notorious for it’s riotous high spirits and fancy uniforms, as well as getting blind drunk and destroying restaurants, presumably to the terror of anyone else unfortunate enough to be in their vicinity at the time. Why? Because they can. (If you have to ask that question you can’t afford to join the club). Don’t ask about cocaine use either, our illustrious leaders have all ducked that question repeatedly. (http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/the-staggers/2011/09/took-cocaine-osborne-rowe) The solutions to alcoholism are involved and require real thought and effort. Leaving drunks in a concrete cell to suffocate on their own vomit is cheap and out of sight.
Dear Mr Cameron,
Once again you have scored a winner with your war on binge Britain. All problems should be solved with wars in my book. The below cost sales of alcohol certainly should be banned although I am concerned by you idea of placing drunks in tanks. Surely we should let the Army have those? Any right thinking person can see that cheap booze leads to boorish and oafish behaviour not to mention outright violence. It has also not escaped my notice that many of the rightful targets in this war are distinctly lazy and ungrateful. Can it be right that these people drink so copiously from the endless cup of subsidised booze? We see these miscreants ever day, passed out on benches (have you noticed how they are often green or red benches?) occasionally rousing to shout nonsense at passers by. Many of them have clearly never seen a moat and restaurants have been seriously vandalised by these miscreants before now. It’s about time we stamped on this filth in our society and I applaud you for you stand.
Raising a glass to your righteous war,
Henry.
If you ever wondered why London is so full of super cars and vacuous ego’s then you may find some clue in the latest Forbes ”Cost Of Living Extremely Well Index”. I’m not sure if it’s Forbes or wealth that is incapable of a snappy title but if you ever wanted to know quite where is the best place to avoid society, hoard your wealth and generally be a nuisance blockage on the economy then pop over here, http://www.forbes.com/sites/scottdecarlo/2011/09/26/cost-of-living-extremely-well-index-the-price-of-living-large-is-up/ . Alternatively, for a succinct, and frankly more interesting summary, head over to here; http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/feb/24/why-super-rich-love-uk?newsfeed=true All this means of course that me and Dave now have something real in common. We’re both dirt poor compared to the tax dodgers.
Dear Mr Cameron,
Now that we’re beginning to get to know, and I hope, feel a little squidgey for each other, I thought I should let you know that we really are ‘’all in it together’’. Whilst I thought, as one of the now famous 99% (I always wanted to be famous, didn’t you?) that you, as a 1% -er couldn’t possibly have much in common with me but it turns out we do. Those jolly excitable chaps at the Socialist Worker, when they’re not hacking your colleagues e-mails, seem to think that rich is £150k per annum. How silly of them. I average about £1.50 per annum so you can see where we diverge but it turns out that there are some people worth more than £100 million. I know, I was as surprised as you are. Even more surprising, they live in London, where you live! It seems that somewhere between the Commons and HMRC there’s been a bit of a boondoggle and no one thought to tax them. Well why would you? It’s not like they’re gangsters and obviously they are very busy trickling down their wealth to the rest of us. That’s us as in you and me, so we really are in it together. Right up to our ears.
With softness and tinkly bits,
Henry.
Pensions. The value for those that have one is getting smaller every day and is coupled to a demand that people work harder, for longer and on less pay in order to receive nothing that they actually signed up to. Contracts, it appears, mean nothing to a financier. Of course there is an even bigger pile of people with no pension. Did I hear someone cry ”state pension”? Yeah, good luck with claiming that when the time comes.
The reference to the City as the last rotten borough refers to the electoral practices carried out there. You may recall the episode of Blackadder the Third where Edmund stood as an electoral candidate and was also the only voter. Guess who won? It is a system that would not, and is not, allowed anywhere else in the country (http://charliemarks.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/city-of-london-the-last-rotten-borough-in-england/).
Dear Mr Cameron,
I’d like to congratulate you on your dynamic pension policies. It seems to me facile that anyone, nurse, policeman or other public servant, should receive what was promised. We all know financial contracts are entirely negotiable if you operate in the country’s last rotten borough. I myself have seen the value of my private pension reduced to a hilarious 17p and am greatly looking forward to seeing quite how long it takes for the City to loose the rest of this tiny amount so I might better enjoy the absence of a public pension. I suggest you keep cutting. When there are no police left to kettle or beat people there can be no compensation claims or messy court cases. Genius. Without a doctor to sue yet more money is saved. Life is all about money, isn’t it? It’s about time that those who stole, philandered and mugged the world in order to hoard yet more vast wealth for no one but themselves were celebrated for what they are, the only people left with anything. Usually in Monaco.
With growing warm feelings,
Henry.
The list of companies feeling uneasy about the Governments training schemes for the unemployed, (essentially forcing people to work for nothing), is growing with even Tesco pretending that it wasn’t just the bad publicity for their shameful behavior that made them withdraw. Still, no one forced Tesco, or others, to join the scheme and no one forced them to leave. That’s more than can be said for the poor unfortunates who play this silly Government game to rig the unemployment numbers.
In case you were wondering (although you probably weren’t), Ian Duncan Smith did not get a degree from Perugia University. As it turned out he didn’t even attend Perugia University let alone qualify in anything there. With a level of honesty like that he should be in The Lords, not the Cabinet.
Dear Mr Cameron,
The fuss surrounding the work experience program for the unemployed must be galling for you. One mans enforced, unpaid labor is another’s training scheme after all. And obviously a jolly good way to bring down those pesky staffing costs. Still, I believe I have a solution for you. As this is your first term as PM I suggest that you forgo your salary, but keep your position, to give you a better understanding of the job. Think of it as on the job training. After all, your work record shows no real experience of running a country and whilst you are trying very hard, things don’t always seem to work out as you planned, do they? An internship with a relative here and an arms deal to South Africa there don’t really amount to substantial work experience to anyone outside of Westminster and the PM’s salary is rather large for someone from such a closeted background. Adopting this idea would show clear leadership from the top and be an inspiration to all those who are having their standard of living eviscerated.
With ever increasing fondness,
Henry.
